Fitness
and Wellness
Maintaining
a healthy and loving relationship
Most
of us want to fall in love, be in love and stay in love and
magically live happily ever after… as the story goes.
We merge placing our soul in the hands of the other expecting
that the relationship will provide all our happiness. We even
expect our partner to know exactly what, when and how to provide
this.
But
fulfilling relationships do not happen automatically and
they don't happen when the relationship is driven by a need
rather than caring. If the relationship is going to grow
we must give it our time and attention. We must each give
to the other and not just be focused on what it is that
we need.
But
often the relationship gets puts aside as the daily task
of life take over. We barely have time for ourselves with
our life schedule, work schedule or kid's schedules, let
alone making time to focus on and give to our partner. We
become distracted and tension builds up each person feeling
that his/her needs for intimacy are not getting met. Each
partner is waiting for the other to do something about it.
When
a long time has gone by without intimacy, neither one wants
to make the first move toward the other. (I call this the
big stand off) Reaching out by either person does not takeplace.
I see this so often in my psychotherapy office with couples
who have not taken responsibility and brought to the relationship
what was needed.
What
happens then is that there is a great deal to clean up that
has been swept under the rug. I have to work at pealing
away minor and major conflicts, disagreements, hurts, before
I can get to the core problem which is that each person's
core need to be loved and cared for is not getting met.
We all
recognize that we need to tune up our cars, but we do not
think of tuning up our relationships. We
take more time with our homes, painting, fixing, redecorating,
reconstructing etc. but we do not take the time with our
relationships.Tensions
then build up.
As with
anything we aspire to, the more we put in the more we will
get back. Look, for example, at a plant's life. Plants need
care in order to survive and grow. They need water, fertilizer,
light and air. If we do not give them these essential elements
they will wither and die. Relationships are no different,
they need certain essential elements in order for them to
grow and proper or they too may die on the vine.
Couples
need romantic time and fun together, they need a sense of
security and commitment, and they need meaningful communication.
This will keep the spirit in the relationship and allow each
to open to the other to the point where intimacy can occur.
Here
are some ways to achieve these essential elements so you can
maintain a healthy and loving relationship. Integrate them
into your daily life as best you can, but start today.
1.Developing
romantic and fun time together. Set up your schedule to
include time together. Be realistic with the amount of
time your set aside. It is very important to be consistent.
If
you only have one hour a week, than do not plan a full
day. Consistency built trust and connection lays the foundation
of a healthy relationship. Both of you need to participate
in deciding how and when to spend time together.
2.
Developing a sense of security and commitment. Security
is assurance we feel when we know someone is committed
to love and values us. It's a sense that whatever conflicts
or problems we have we will be fully committed to finding
the solution and working together in partnership.
We
show our affection in little ways throughout the day with
a phone call from the office or a hug when our partner
returns home, or leaving a loving note on his/her car.
Giving complements and expressing gratitude when your
partner does something for you as simple as taking the
dishes out of the dishwasher goes a long way.
3.
Establishing meaningful communication. We do this by being
open and honest with who we are and what we feel. We make
request instead of demands, we watch our tone, and listen
carefully to our partner. We share our hopes and dreams.
We do this hopefully from a place of peace rather than
a place of fear or blame.
We
express our ideas and goals for the relationship and our
individual goals. We help to empower each other to fulfill
our full potential and we work together to fulfill the
potential of the relationship. Empowering means that we
give encouragement support and believe in the other, maybe
before they believe in themselves.
Changing
your relationship will take discipline, intention and courage.
Be patient with yourself, praise yourself for all your efforts
and listen to your soul sing. As we love others we are connecting
with our true essence and being who we really are. If relationships
are based on getting our needs met instead of by caring they
are not likely to bring happiness.
